Many years ago, I wanted to be a romance novelist. I wrote a story called Crowning for Glory about a dentist, his wife and his mistress. I submitted it to Harlequin Mills and Boon, without success. Perhaps they didn’t publish it because of the word ‘crowning’? I didn’t know what that really meant back then – just that it sounded like a dentisty term rather than a reference to a baby’s head making its first appearance.
I am now conquering this parenting thing with a new term: Craning for Glory.
Let me tell you all about Craning.
Craning can be used anywhere and everywhere. It is a simple but lifesaving tool; you just need your arms and your hands, and your best robot moves.
So how do you ‘crane’?
Ask your child to pick up their toys. If they respond with a ‘no’, start your crane engines. Bend your elbow into your best ninety degree angle and start your reverse beeps. Head towards the first toy, and shape your hand into a grapple (Google if you don’t have a construction-site obsessed kid). Lower your grapple palm above the toy and pull up using your best rhythmic beeps (a little bit of robotic movement works well here). Release grapple and toy above the toy box and repeat. But this time get your kid to do the craning.
Craning can be used in many situations. Here are some examples:
Tea time crane: crane food into mouth
Bath time crane: crane your child in and out of bath. Crane water into cup. Release grapple over your kid’s head.
Tantrum-on-street crane: use a full-body crane and lean over your child and double grapple under their armpits. Move crane up and out and transport child swiftly to car.
Planking-on-supermarket-floor crane: planking makes craning easier. Transform your crane into a forklift tray and scoop under said child, craning them up, elevation style. Ensure you use grunting sounds to show just how epic this move really is.
Car seat crane: this is a bit of a specialty crane as it requires a lift and swivel. We start with a ‘cradle crane’ (carry child like a baby) and then move into the ‘circle of life’ crane (Lion King-style when Simba is lifted high to the people), then a swivel and delicate swoop into the seat. Robotic arms help to add excitement to ‘straps-on’. Works best if your kid is holding a tiny digger.
Change in direction crane: Great for when your kid wants to run the other way. Use your magnetic grapple and place this on your child’s scone. Beep to signal reversing.
So, if you see me craning around Yarraville, popping reverse beeps in the local IGA or using my hand-sized grapples, give me a wink, because you will secretly know that I’m craning for glory.