A very close friend of mine recently told me she is pregnant. I lost my shit. I was so excited. I squealed and shouted in the bar and ordered a sparkling. I had been sitting down before she told me, but somehow I found myself standing and shouting and dribbling information, then trying to climb on a chair, squealing and clapping like a mad woman. Then I stopped myself and remembered I can’t stand people like me doing what I was doing. I mentally slapped myself and, when I got home, I penned this poem filled with Ali’s insight into being pregnant. This is all I know, I’m sure you know more. The lady at the end of the street certainly does when she tells me off for dressing my son inappropriately. I’m hoping my pal can do a cut and paste of the below, choose what she wants to know and then discover the rest.It starts with piss; you wee on a stick, Then you do it again, and watch the minutes tick. You feel overwhelmed, as if in a dream, Then you let it all out in one hell of a scream. You want to tell everyone, but you’re not sure how, You instantly hate work and wanna throw in the towel. Then you think about mat leave, paid heavenly bliss, Your life has suddenly changed, in one little piss. You’re instantly different, but you’re not sure why, Perhaps it’s the way 60 Minutes makes you cry. Or how freaking tired you are by your lunch hour Or how your moods go from sweet to sour. Then there are scans and appointments to meet, It’s scary and exciting and a bit of a treat, To see a blob that is growing inside, And to watch your belly grow big and wide. When your tum starts to show you’ll get stopped in the street, It’s a delight to discover all the people you’ll meet. Your belly will get rubbed coz of the baby inside ya, Just tell people ‘please don’t, you’re a bit close to my vagina’. Friday night’s heaven if Jennifer Anniston’s on the box, Your hair will thicken and you will have shiny locks. You stop drinking so you save heaps of cash, Put that coin aside for your nursery stash. When you pass 30 weeks you’ll start shitting your pants, You’ll waddle around in your pregnancy dance. There’s not long to go, but suddenly so much to do, Please sit still at this time, but I know you won’t want to. Then things happen fast – stuff you can’t guess, Plan all you want, but it’s all a bit of a mess. A baby arrives, whether quickly or at length, You will shine with your amazing inner strength. Then shit gets real and you bring your babe home, Your dog will be nervous; just give her a bone. Soak it all in, put your feet up and cry it all out, Remember I’m here, just give me a shout. Visitors will come, drink tea and leave pasta, Some you will want and some should leave faster. Your world is upside down when your babe comes home, As if someone’s shaken a little snow dome. But once the snow starts to settle, around 12 weeks, You know your kid’s face off by heart – those little cheeks! The night sweats will ease, you realise you’re a star, You made a person, that’s how awesome you are!
To my pal, who will make the sweetest mum of all.